Yesterday was a different day for me. Most days I am filled with peace and enlightenment. I am not sure what happened, but I can only speculate. It makes me wonder, how did my internal change happen almost instantly and what brought it on[?]. In order for me to address this issue I need to examine my external environment without passing off blame.
Yesterday in the wonderful time during the A.M. I was in my studio doing some work and then it hit me. I heard a song that I had listened to when I was in the military deployed overseas to fight in a war. This dark cloud came over my head and my over confidence ignored it expecting it to go away. I simply shook it off and attempted to take my mind somewhere else. I have been battling depression and anxiety for quite some time, so I am sort of an expert in overcoming episodes of it, if that makes any sense. I recognize the feelings that are associated with depression and I already know how to manage it.
Depression is a rabbit hole for me, it just takes me for a ride if I let it. Well, yesterday...I let it. My depression turned to anxiety and my anxiety causes my right ear to pop, which is associated with an annoying ringing sound. This causes me more anxiety and my internal compass is spinning out of control. My True North is momentarily lost. I do have a sense of direction so I followed it before things get worse. I become physically unbalanced and lost some of my coordination. I stubbed my little pinky toe (I like to be bare-footed) and the anxiety I was experiencing sparked anger. I knew I had to calm my mind before I went to a place that would clutch me. My internal compass was crushed. Nothing else mattered, but to stop the torment of overwhelming negative feelings. The ringing in my ear became unbearable.
I turned off my lights, put in my ear buds and turned on some 432 hz calming music. I closed my eyes and I had to control my mind. After a few moments, my mind would become quiet, but there is still some residue of anger and anxiousness lingering. After a few more deep breaths, I was there. I was in a place calming and I felt as though a blanket of peace covered me. Colors of darkness would leave my being and I would feel lighter. About 25 minutes later my mind was in control of my body and not my body in control of my mind. I was in the moment of now. Losing valuable time in internal anarchy has yet again failed to hold me. Time has collapsed and I am in my divine state of mind.