As I journey through the certainty of the unknown I am met with new beginnings and new discoveries. I have channeled my negative energy into something that is positive. I have been blinded by my need for perfection and I have accepted the very flaws that are associated with being human. I did what I could to hide from the very aspect of life that is needed to examine and address the simplest human needs of acceptance. I hid from my negativity, but I stand in front of it ready to accept it and address the issues that are seemingly important to my well being.
I have been discovering new beginnings in life. I was hiding behind positivity and never addressing the things that are displeasing to me. Basically, I was a push over; I allowed people to use me as their own beating bag or an item one would simply discard in the trash. Overtime this mentality of mine, to deflect the negativity with the shields of positivity, was not being deflected at all; it was being absorbed. I took the beatings and forgave the wrongdoer's actions for they not know what they do.
Of course they would not know what they do if I never told them. I am gaining confidence in myself to finally speak up to actions against me that are belittling. Over this past few weeks I have finally hit my limitations of being someone's discarded trash for the convenience of a one-time use only. I have realized that I can accept people as they are, but I do not need to put up with their need for self-validation in forms of picking on the happy spiritual guy in the back.
I am learning that I can still be the happy spiritual guy in the backand stand up for myself when someone decides to use me as their ego booster. I tend to be around many people, specifically other men who feel the need to pound on their chest and brag about their unverifiedaccomplishments. I suppose in the world of the alpha male, talking about one's accomplishments is just the same as actually accomplishing something. I never overstood this concept, but I have to and at the very least, put myself in their shoes so I can predict their next moves.
I need to better overstand the whole alpha male mentality for a couple reasons; One, it will help me to identify when their need for self-validation is occurring and two, it will help me to defend against it. I have never been the type to speak ill of someone or to say things to validate my own existence. I am confident in myself in this aspect, but I lack confidence in other areas. I am fearful that I may be the person stuck in negativity and hatefulness. I fear it so much that I avoid any negativity instead of addressing it. I have to overcome this fear and learn that it is okay to speak against oppression. I can speak up for anyone else, but I have a hard time speaking up for myself. I just fear to become that person embedded with hate [again].
I have been feeling much different and more confident in my capabilities to stand up for myself. This is something that I have not done in a while. So just like any other thing in life, it takes practice. In the meantime, I will focus my energy on the lighter side of life and positivity. Negativity has no room in my yard, but if it shall attempt to enter, I will stand against it. The Spiritual Guy in the Back.