This past couple weeks has been [eye opening] for me. There have been a few instances where I made decisions using a different thought process. Things have been changing for me, in a good way, and there have been many things that are coming into perspective for me. Life has its way of challenging the very people in it. I have been experiencing some of life's challenges and I am learning a great deal from these experiences.
For many years I have been on the "path of positivity" where I would only view things in a positive manner. I would find any good in something and take it from there. I have realized that this mentality or thought process is a healthy one, however it can be detrimental to one's own being. I write this because it has happened to me. I looked at anything and everything in a positive manner ignoring my natural feelings of sadness, hurt, and displeased. It is important for a person to address these feelings and overstand that these feelings are okay to have. Ignoring my feelings for a long period would eventually break me and it did. There must be balance and I am learning of this balance.
Here is the thing, in my past I lived a negative life full of hate and anger. I was so paranoid to be that person again that I would ignore the negative energy in my life. I did anything and everything I could to avoid or deflect negativity. When someone was displaying unfavorable actions towards me or using hurtful language against me I would simply forgive them and move on. I never took a moment to address how those unfavorable actions impacted me. I would disregard my being and stash the negativity in a dark corner of my mind. I was not and I am still not skilled enough to handle negativity without any form of physical outlet. I would not want to workout using my anger cause I felt like that was a sin and I was inviting negativity in. Well, this has been my flaw. I have been disregarding myself and deeming my feelings of hurt, displeased, and anger as irrelevant. Just like a pressure cooker, the pressure must be released one way or another.
I have been learning ways to address my feelings when I am displeased and to find that very voice to help me defend myself when I need to. I can physically defend myself very well, but defending myself verbally and sticking up for myself is something I have not really done before. I am learning ways to do this effectively and I am trying to find balance in this world of push and pull.
I am learning that it is okay for me to feel displeased and it is not a sin to be angry. I have faith that I will never be that monster again and it is okay for me to express myself when I am angry or hurt. There are many ways to express oneself and one way is what I am doing right now, creative writing. Admittedly, this is not easy to allow myself to become vulnerable and to write about the darkest secrets in my mind, but it is liberating. I am a bit embarrassed about it, because I thought I was stronger than this. It turns out that this is okay, because I am simply human. Being human and every aspect of it is completely okay. It is okay to be human. Push and Pull.