There was a time when I spent most of my days, from sunrise to sunset, in a state of depression. My past experiences once defined my reality and it was inevitable I would succumb to my negative emotions. I was an expert at casting the darkness over my own head. I would habitually find a way to allow negative emotions rule my being. It was what I was used to and it was what was familiar to me. It was my reality.
I was an impressionable young man and I joined the military at a young age; as young as it was allowed. I did not notice it then, but thinking back to the training and how things were set up, I was being programmed just like several thousand young men. I learned to ignore my emotions and bury it deep. During my military service I was sent twice to a foreign land, during a time of war. My brother passed in the same war, but different operation. These events left me in a dark hole where I could not come out of. I spent my days in depression and the further I allowed myself to slip away the harder it would be to escape. My negative thoughts would become my reality and my reality would become my negative thoughts. I was stuck in a revolving wheel of darkness. I allowed depression to take over.
I bathed in my own sorrow and it would define me. I allowed myself to be defined by my past experiences and emotions. My reality of darkness would grow everyday and everyday I would near deeper into the abyss with seemingly no way out. I was alone. This was my reality.
The truth is, I was too afraid to step out of the comfort and familiarity of loneliness and sorrow. It was what I knew, thus it was what seemed normal. I was creating my own reality normality and I allowed myself to sit alone in my abyss. It became my truth that I was broken and suffering from the impacts of war. I was defined and I wrote my definition of me. I wrote my reality and my reality was my truth.
Eventually I would arise from my depression. It took many years of trying to find myself and building the courage to explore the unknown. The unknown is what has yet to be explored and yet to be tried. I went against my habitual behavior and craving to remain in a state of depression. It was like an uphill battle and often times I felt I was going no where, but round and round, however I am here today unshackled from my past and my past self. I realized my reality is created by my thoughts and how I perceive my inner world. I am viewing the world through my lens, thus I view the world on how I perceive it.
Reality is subjective and I am awakened to the idea that I am control of my reality. My reality is my truth. The darkness that I once casted over my own head had been dissipated by my own will. I destroyed the walls limiting my ability to move beyond my perceived self. I unshackled my restraints and I freed myself from depression. Depression no longer holds me. My negative emotions and my past self no longer holds me nor does it define me. My reality is in the moment of the now. I am in the moment. This is my reality.