For many years my mind would continuously run wild. Thoughts that were unrelated to the present moment would be a nuisance to what seemed to be every hour of the day. The chatter would not stop and the constant worry of things of irrelevance held me stagnant as time would pass me by. Even when I did find some type of ease from the chaos, that help I found was harming my body. Being intoxicated with alcohol seemed to ease the pain and bring forth the silence I needed to have the break from the constant noise.
I would create a problem in mind and it would impact the people around me. I felt as if people were constantly judging me for the sins I have committed. The guilt I felt for the wrong I have done has been accepted by my inner being. The noise in my head would cause clusters of emotions causing me to have panic attacks. The noise in my head and the movie clips of the evil I have committed would constantly play over and over. My brother's passing would impact me and his face would be the face of those who had fallen. My mind created thoughts, a distorted reality, and it seemed I was stuck in a horror movie.
The constant noise would cause my physical health to decline. The ringing in my ear would be too much to handle and my only option was to intoxicate myself to unconsciousness. This is the sin I have committed daily. I intoxicated myself poisoning my very being. I slowly slipped further away into emptiness. I could not help, but to feel sorry for myself. I knew I was pathetic and weak, but I did not acknowledge my wrongs. I blamed almost everyone, but myself. I played the role of the victim. The noise consumed me and I wanted nothing more than to have the sweet ease of silence. I searched for remedies and realized the healing started with forgiveness. I had to forgive myself and learn to love myself.
As I was learning of forgiveness and the act of loving, the noise was still there. Some days would be better than others, depending on the external factors that may trigger the semi-controlled chaos to uncontrolled chaos. As time went on, I learned to quiet my mind with music. I would insert earbuds in my ears or wear headphones and turn on music. It was a sound that was not a nuisance to me and over time the sound of music would be louder than the noise in my head. I held music close to me and realized that the music can be a sort of gateway to the silence I was searching for. Over time I began to feel the music in my inner being and I would feel a connection, especially with the classical instrumental type of music. However, as soon as the music would turn off the noise would return and the chaos would begin once again.
There was some sort of connection with music and I could not figure out what it was. Why would the noise in my head disappear when the music came on? I realized that I was feeling something good and music is the positive influence I needed. I would feel alive with music and somehow I needed to connect those feelings with the noise to help influence the negativity to positivity. There it was, the answer I was searching for. Music brought me peace, thus music brought the inner silence.
I would close my eyes and let the music carry me. I would let the music take me to a place that was not here or there. I was no where and I had become no one. I did not yet realize that becoming no one was the pathway to my peace and silence. I was still deciphering the clues, and I was much further in my journey than I was. I could build from this knowledge. I journeyed in search for answers. I needed the silence, but I had to learn to be patient. Patience has taught me to be calm, thus peace would find its way into my inner being.
As my journey to peace would continue I started to make the connection of being no one at no place at no time. I could not let let my moments of sin define me. I defined myself as an evil person and that was the cause of the noise and chatter. I had to be no one in no place at no time. I did this and it brought me peace. I became no one. The noise stopped and I was in silence. Silence.