I spent many years behind walls in solitude and in darkness that was seemingly empty space. There was no way out for me. Even if I was to make it across the labyrinth to the other side in the dark, a wall would stop me from my release. I had no way out, so it seemed.
Being in a state of depression is a powerful and overwhelming feeling of emptiness. I felt like there was no hope for me. I felt as if I had nothing. Depression does not just happen over night, it is a series of events that is unfavorable to the person. While I was in the military I was sent overseas to fight in a war. During my time in a foreign land, just as most of the brave men and women there, I did not have time to process what was actually taking place. The military has trained me to be a weapon and to carry out orders; I was young and impressionable. I made it home, but yet again I was deployed to the same battlefield just a few months later.
I did not have a chance to decompress and learn how to be a human instead of a brainwashed robot. I was weaponized and my training kept me alive. My inner being was no longer a factor, but my physical body was simply reacting to the hours and hours of training I received to keep me alive and to ensure orders were followed. I was a robot. I was an emotional zombie, my emotions were completely cut off and operated solely on muscle memory. My inner being was no longer alive and I lost who I was. I forgot how to love, how to care, how to feel, because I had been operating so long in the survival mode. My mind was shut off, I was operating on muscle memory, and instinct.
My older brother was also in the military around the same time frame as I was. He has a similar story and experiences as mine. He is my best friend and he always will be. He was killed in a foreign land in the same political war, but a different theatre of combat. It did not quite hit me yet and I experienced conflicting internal information. My emotions had diminished and I forgotten how to feel. I was programmed for war, but I was never reprogrammed to enter back into society.
As time went on I fell into a deep state of depression. It seemingly creeped up on me. I did not see it coming. I hated myself for the things I represented and have done. I was consumed by anger, because my brother was killed. My relationship with my mom and dad was infiltrated by hate and destroyed our relationship. My hate continued to grow and I continued to slip into an abyss of darkness. Once I was at the bottom I imprisoned myself in my own mind. I was a prisoner to my own hate and anger. Depression sunk its claws into my back and chained me to the walls. I was alone with no one, but only with the thoughts that would haunt me for years to come.
I realized that since I am on the bottom there is no where else to go, but up. I began to fight for my life. I had to confront the person on the other side of the mirror. I stood in front of that person and lifted my head. I stared deep into his soul and said I will no longer be a victim. I will arise from depression.